Tuesday, 24 February 2009

  • Broke? You’re not broke, you big baby - quit your bloodclot cryin.

    I am SO sick of hearing twenty-somethings complain about how broke they are. You young ass, fiscally irresponsible so-and-so's are making me mad. I know lots of people like you. You want people to think you’re hard up for cash, hurting for money, you’ve got short pockets, assets in the negative, broke as a joke. You cry about how broke you are to anyone who will listen and then you turn around and buy something ridiculously expensive that you didn't even need. You’re not broke – you just want everyone to think you are.



    Let me start with the definition of broke:

    –adjective
         without money; penniless.
         bankrupt.

    No, you are not broke. Those new Forever 21 outfits every month prove that. Your $100 shoes and Blackberry Whatever prove that. Your frequent visits to Starbucks to chop it up with the homies or "work" on your laptop prove that. Keep it real, homegirls and homeboys…you are not “broke” just because you don’t have as much money as you think you deserve.



    “No, seriously! I’M BROOOOKE, MAN!”

    No, you’re not. You are not broke if you have a cellphone, car or other possession that requires a monthly payment, especially if you aren’t two months or more behind on those payments. You are not broke if you live in a house where you don’t pay rent or your rent is significantly less than what a stranger would pay to live there (Don’t front, you know what the rent hook up is - you pay $200 a month, while some dood off the street would pay $650. Thanks for the discount mom!). And don’t even get me started if you’re complaining about money all the time and you have a job. Broke? Oh no. You are most definitely not that. And if you don’t stop saying you are, I’m going to come to your house and smack you in the face with a dictionary turned to the definition of the word broke. Twice.



    Let’s talk about why it’s so insulting when you say “Oh, I’m so broke” or you whine about how hard times are…while you live at home with your parents, with a bank account that has money in it, while you drive your car around that your parents bought for you, listening to your iPod with ten thousand songs on it (some of which you actually paid for on iTunes! Go you!) while you eat meals prepared by ma dukes, with food you didn’t chip in for,  in a house you don’t pay rent in, when the only real bills you have are your cellphone, car insurance and whatever money you spend on your golden kicks. Must be nice.



    You suck.  Super Saiyan Suckage.

    And no, this is not a jealousy blog – I’m most definitely not jealous that I can’t live with my parents at twenty-something. You see, I prefer being a grown up and taking care of my own responsibilities, even if it means I have to struggle while I do it. I’m a man. You, on the other hand, are a freeloader. Now, I can allow a situation like this if you’re in college studying your ass off to graduate and get a great career. But if you aren’t? You should take a hard look at why mommy and daddy are still providing you room and board when you're several years past adulthood.

    What's that? Am I broke? Nope. I’m not. But even though I’m nowhere near broke, I’m a whole lot more broke than you are, oh great spender of leisure funds. I have a personal debt of about $2000, while my wife owes close to $16,000 (mostly for college bills). We have no savings account and I’m unemployed, which means her single income supports our family of three. No Prada shoes for us. No weekend trips to Tahoe or L.A. several times a year. We’re behind on 60% of our monthly bills – bills that total around $1200 a month and believe it or not, the only truly frivolous bills out of that $1200 are our internet and cable.



    We pay for all our medical costs, gas, vehicle repairs, multiple insurances, school supplies for our son, clothes and food – and our mommy and daddy don’t pay for any of that. But even we, with all these bills, no savings and one income – even we can’t really get away with saying we’re broke. So how is it that you feel justified in saying you’re broke all the time? You toss that word around like you just learned it in malapropism class…you’re whining because you don’t have money to go out clubbing this weekend? Or you can’t buy that dress you’ve been eyeing all week? How terrible that must be for you!

    You’re not broke. I hate to keep harping, but you’re seriously not. You money-light heffers and mama’s boys who think being unable to buy stuff you want because you had to spend most of your paycheck on your cell bill – if you think that puts you in the broke category – I swear I’d give a testicle to see you live one month in the shoes of people who really don’t have money.



    “Well, who are you to judge, Namu? You already admitted you’re not broke!” And yet, that certainly doesn’t mean I’m not speaking from experience, now does it? When I was growing up, there was a period or two in my life when I lived on the street. Or with my mom in women’s shelters. Times when we got our food out of dumpsters behind Kroger or by begging for it outside of restaurants. Later, I wore clothes bought with government vouchers and ate meals comprised almost entirely of government cheese and bread and Kool-Aid bought with food stamps. I’ve lived in one-room houses with no electricity or running water. I’ve been embarrassed to go to school because I had to wear the same outfit two or three times a week. I’ve lived in neighborhoods where I was beat up and teased because I was the poorest kid on the block. So yes, I know exactly what being broke is. I know what’s it all about to not have enough…of anything. Not enough food, not enough clothing, not enough shelter, not enough laughter.

    And then you come along and complain about how short your ends are. How you have to make $200 last a WHOLE week – whatever will you do?! And it takes everything I’ve got to keep from shaking you until the stupid falls out.

    If you think you’re broke now, while you have all these advantages and opportunities, how, exactly, will you manage when you’re really broke? When life throws you a curve ball and you lose the advantage of having parents to pay for everything? Are you going to cry when you owe $12,000 and have no job and your child needs new school clothes and you haven’t had a decent meal in weeks? How will you handle it when a hurricane destroys your house and you didn’t have insurance to cover it and no savings and your credit is wack because you ruined it buying all kinds of things you didn’t need on credit cards you didn’t need, spending money you didn’t have…and that dream job never appeared and you’re stuck earning barely more than minimum wage, at a job you hate?

    And then you’ll probably want sympathy from me. You’ll want me to really believe you when you say, “Oh man, I’m so broke!” And I’m guessing you’ll want help, too?  But I don’t think I’ll believe you. And even if I did, I’d probably be too busy trying to help those people who really need my help. You know the ones, right? The people who took the time to build up a real savings, invested their money when they could, never complained about being broke when they really had plenty of money, opportunity and support. The people who did as best they could, but circumstances conspired to make life really difficult for them and now they really need my help.

    While you were busy amassing credit card debt and buying up everything your little heart desired, while you were busy clubbing every weekend and racking up $100 bar tabs, while you were busy taking trips and spending your hard earned money on everything but responsible purchases, while you were busy pretending to be broke, a lot of the rest of the world really was.

    And hopefully, when you come face to face with the reality of what being broke truly means, you’ll feel ashamed for all those times you laid claim to such a powerful state of being.

    You_are_not _broke.




    ***
    Enjoyed this blog? I'd appreciate a recommend!

Saturday, 06 December 2008

  • Woman, I promise you.

    I promise to think of you during the best times - day and night.



    I promise to love your bad side as much as your good.



    I promise to hold your child's hands like they were my child's hands.



    I promise to sing to you when you can't sleep.



    I promise to wake up each morning still in love with you.



    I promise to save your place.



    I promise to kiss you and make it all better.



    I promise to keep you safe, in my arms or in the world or anywhere.



    I promise to learn from you.



    I promise you me.



    Remember that list you wrote in high school? The one with all the qualities you wanted in the perfect man? I promise to be as many of those things as I can.

    Woman, I promise you.






Saturday, 01 November 2008

  • Do violence and rap really go hand in hand?

    R.I.P. Freaky Taj, B.I.G., Tupac, Jam Master Jay and every other artist lost to pointless violence.

    jam master jay, hiphop pioneer

    Let's remember them, shall we? Hiphop is vast, hiphop reaches hundreds of millions worldwide and those of us in America are at the core of everything that is hiphop. So let's remember. When you mix the reality of violence with the pretend violence prevalent in a lot of hiphop music, you sometimes get death. And we've lost some of the most talented and bright artists in the history of our music because of this bleeding over of real violence - people of great historical significance to our culture. But before we get too deep into the "we've lost our icons" conversation - let's think about this too:

    b.i.g., emcee

    Any person who dies from random and pointless violence deserves our thoughts. Not just our rap heros. Not just the people who made hundreds of thousands of dollars living the life of a "thug" on record and in videos. Not just the ones who helped bring us to the point where gun claps were just as likely to result from on-record disses as claps on the back for a great comeback. We lament the loss of our icons and in the same breath we promote and enshrine violent rap on our radios and on our tvs. We embrace the "thug" image as if there were no more important way to be in life - being "hard" means you've got respect.

    freaky tah, emcee

    I remember a day when rappers (even the tough looking ones) rapped about conscientious shit because that was important. They rapped, just like their modern-day counterparts, of inner city life and the ghetto and hard times. The difference, though, was that they told their stories of real life with the hopes that young black kids would *learn* from the mistakes of their elders and break out of the ghetto - break the stereotype of the young black male and leave the image of "hoodlum" behind - whereas the modern day thug rappers tell stories of the street designed only to glorify their lifestyle - no lessons, no education, no praise for those who try to escape poverty - only scorn and derision. You hear it all day, every day, "I only rap about what I know about - if it's guns and drugs, then that's just how it was for me growin up in the hood". Those lines are spoken as if the gangsta uttering them was doing the youth of the ghetto a huge service - letting them know how it is in the hood. I've got news for the "hard" emcees rapping about life in the hood - every kid in the hood already knows it's hard to live in a shitty project, struggling for money and food - avoiding dangerous situations on a daily basis - and your raps about "slangin yayo" and "protectin the block" don't help those kids one bit.

    tupac shakur, emcee

    The problem is - the kids identify with that image - even if they don't live it, you've convinced them they want to...or they know someone who does and because of this, the current genre of violent rap sells. And it sells so well that the big Record Labels have latched onto it - milking the violent rap cash cow for everything it's worth. Of course, watering it down is a must, so the rest of white-bread America doesn't become too alarmed at the spread of violent imagery and ideals and shuts down the big labels before they've reaped millions.

    fifty cent, thug spokesman

    I could care less about white-bread America though. Those aren't the people who can effect a serious change. I wish the hood would wake up. It's the hood and the ghetto and the corner where this change needs to happen. It's the smart young blacks and Mexicans and anyone else trapped in the ghetto who can make the biggest change - they can stop more pointless deaths from happening - in our music and on our streets. The rap world can make it back into the golden light of it's heyday - when rap was about house parties and battling for fun - it can be more conscientious again - more like Talib and less like Fifty, but only with the people who gave hiphop it's life and breath fighting for that change. Only those in the hood can grow out of gangsta and into good hiphop again.

    krs-one, educational emcee

    Don't get me wrong - some gangsta rappers are sick with it. Some of the best rhymers in the world come from the gangsta era - B.I.G. and Tupac are two of the most notable, of course. But without a significant change in the mood of hiphop, I see only more deaths - more artists lost to the gun - more innocent bystanders cut down because they were in the wrong place at the wrong time. And I don't care how blind you want to be to the fact - but you and I both know that young kids imitate what they see on tv, watch in the movies or play in videogames. And rappers - don't act dumb, either. It's a fact of life that you're a role model when you become a successful rapper and when you spit about killing someone over drugs or worse, over a perceived diss - all you're doing is signing some young kids death warrant. It's on your head, homie, whether you want it to be or not.

    mos def, positive emcee

    Gangsta has it's place - it just shouldn't be as the frontrunner of hiphop. It shouldn't be the flagship - the one that the world forms it's opinion of hiphop from. We all like the music we like - there's nothing we can do about that - but we can make a choice to not promote violent hiphop. Like my man Jason D says, "Wise up." Even one death is too many - and we've had a hell of a lot more than one.

    So wise up, before some young kid you know dies for nothing. If you're a listener, stop supporting violent raps. If you're an emcee, don't create raps that glorify violence.

Tuesday, 28 October 2008

  • He said, she said. Pt. I

    I'm gonna steal La_Dolce_Vida's intro, because it's awesome. ;)

    "A few days ago, my new found friend, Supanamu and I decided that we were gonna write a co-blog about what men and women do wrong in relationships and dating in general. The following is what we came up with. We hope that you guys read it with an open mind and heart and laugh along with us on this travesty we call "relationships". Obviously, our opinions are very gross overgeneralizations so please...don't get your panties/thongs/briefs/tighty whities into a bunch over it! Depending on the response we get, we may make this into an on-going series."

    He (Supanamu) said...

    1. Many women fail to communicate.

    Whether it’s thundering around the house with a sour puss face or giving the silent treatment for nineteen days straight without an explanation of what the man did wrong, women will withhold pertinent information until the very last minute, oftentimes resulting in an even larger argument when the man finally realizes why she is mad at him. All of which could have been avoided if she had simply communicated that she was pissed at him for drinking the last of the milk and putting the empty carton back in the refrigerator.

    2. Many women second-guess themselves.

    Constantly worrying about how they look to their man and everyone else, women sometimes convince themselves they’re not attractive. They’ll ask, “Does my butt look too big?” or “Are these new wrinkles!?” and the man is not allowed to answer truthfully, or he could get a fat karate chop to the throat. Don’t ask rhetorical questions ladies, your man’s throat can’t take it.

    3. Many women don’t know their worth.

    With all the fashion magazines and superstar glamour model/actresses pushing ultra skinny, ultra beautiful as the unattainable goal for women everywhere, most women forget that they’re more beautiful, more intelligent, more sexy and more real to their man than any of those other women.

    4. Many women assume their man is cheating.

    Men are dogs and there’s no doubt about it - especially when you read statistics like “50% of men have admitted to cheating”. This makes it hard for a woman to believe her man isn’t cheating. But ladies, there’s another 50% of men who don’t cheat! And yet women will often stalk their man’s MySpace/Facebook pages, scroll through their cellphone numbers, eavesdrop on conversations and generally act a fool when it comes to other women. And guess what…if you treat a man like he’s cheating long enough, eventually he WILL cheat…or leave you. And neither of those are saucy alternatives.

    5. Many women nag to death.

    Your man isn’t a child. But many women will remind him a hundred times, when one reminder would have been enough. They will harp on the same complaint or repeatedly push for a change that the man isn’t ready to make…or the worst, they’ll bring up old arguments years after the argument was finished.

    6. Many women expect too much.

    Women have been raised to believe in an “ideal” man – one who embodies everything they look for in a lover, a father of their children, a mate. But the truth is that most men are not up to that challenge – they’re normal, average guys. As much as you want them to be a knight in shining armor, it’s just not always possible. Instead of berating your man for what he isn’t, praise him for what he is…and maybe he’ll grow into some of the other things. Or not. I’m guessing not.

    7. Many women have a double standard.

    They say they hate cheaters, but then they go out and cheat. They say they want respect and equality in the workplace, then they use their feminine wiles to advance. They say men and women should be equal in relationships, then they want the man to do all the heavy lifting.

    8. Many women gossip too much.

    Your man doesn’t care who is sleeping with whom, which family just fell apart because the husband turned out to be gay, which coworker is in trouble for posing nude in a calendar…unless that coworker happens to be female, in which case, yes, he does care. Greatly. Get a copy and leave it under his pillow, you’ll have great sex that night.

    9. Many women hate on their man’s friends.

    You wish your man had different friends, because his current friends are all dope-smoking, lazy ass, no job having, good for nothing weasels who cheat on their girlfriends and wives and who, you are convinced, are trying to turn your man into a cheating, weasel faced, weed smoking, jobless idiot too. Problem is ladies, your impression of your man’s friends is skewed by jealousy. His friends take him away from you, and that’s why you don’t like them. They’re really nice guys, and if you could get them away from their hookers and pot long enough, you’d see that.

    10. Many women try to change who their man is.

    A man has to want to change, and most men don’t want to. They’re happy being who they are, and they want their woman to accept them for that…don’t want your man to dress sloppy? You should’ve dated a GQ model. Don’t like your man watching sports all the time? You shouldn’t have bought him the 42 inch flat panel and then signed him up for the HD Sports package. Don’t like your man slobbering over hot girls all the time? You should’ve dated a woman.

    She (La_dolce_vida) said...

    1. Many men fail to communicate.

    Men have this problem where as soon as they hear the words "We need to talk" they go into shut down mode. They go into their cave to hibernate, to ride out the blizzard until the coast is clear (aka when the woman gets so tired of trying to get him to talk so she gives up). Men also have a tendency to brood when they are stressed or upset about something instead of sharing their worries with their significant other.

    2. Many men take their significant other for granted.

    Men seem to live by the old adage "You don't know what you've got until it's gone." Men get comfortable with their significant other and forget to say "please, thank you, I appreciate what you did for me., I appreciate you."

    3. Many men have screwed up priorities.

    Men sometimes place other things above their significant other on their list of priorities. Men sometimes use other things as an excuse as for not having time to put into the relationship or for not staying in the relationship at all.

    4. Many men let the romance die.

    All the romantic things men do at the beginning of the relationship some how disappears half-way into the relationship. Flowers? Gone. Date night? Poof! "I love you" is replaced with "what's for dinner?" "You look beautiful!" is replaced with "You're gonna wear that?!"

    5. Many men want to get back together for the wrong reasons.

    There are only two reasons why men would want to reunite with their ex: loneliness and booty (make-up sex). This is jacked up for more reasons than can be described because we all know that the relationship won't last long and the woman winds up getting heartbroken over and over again.

    6. Many men prey on the wrong/opposite type.

    Men sometimes go for the opposite of what they want so when she turns out to be a psycho/crazy/stalker chick from hell, they will make the proclamation that "All women are crazyyyyy!" The only way to make sense of why men do this is to believe that men sometimes suffer from temporary sanity loss.

    7. Many men are way too fickle.

    Men have relationships with women who offer more to the relationship, than they can give. Then later in the relationship, they mistreat her for the things she does or says that attracted him to her in the first place. Example: They brag to their friends about how smart their girlfriend is but later resent her for wanting to go back to school because that means she'd have less time to spend with him.

    8. Many men are lazy.

    Some men have a tendency to just sit back and not put any effort or work into maintaining a healthy relationship with their significant other. Then they get bored and start having a wandering eye...

    9. Many men just can’t be faithful.

    It is said that most men would cheat on their significant other if they knew they wouldn't get caught. Men were born to "spread their seeds" so it's with no surprise that monogamy is not natural and quite difficult for them.

    10. Many men think with the wrong head.

    Sometimes...it's not that difficult to tell which head the man was thinking with when it comes to certain decisions/actions he's made. No further explanation is necessary. Ha!


    Note: If you enjoyed and comment this blog, make sure you head over to La_Dolce_Vida's and comment hers too...this was a tandem effort! :)

Friday, 24 October 2008

  • Women love dicks - and not the kind that go in vaginas.

    I know a lot of women. I'm a player. I even have the t-shirt to prove it.

    Ok, so I'm not a player, I just play one on TV...but I do know a lot of women. LOTS (and yes, I would love a cookie), and of the women I do know, one is dating a man who is cheating on her with two different girls. One is dating a guy who beats her at least once or twice a month. One is in a loveless relationship, but she won't leave because the sex is bomb. One is with a guy who talks so much trash to her that she's actually begun to believe she’s the "stupid b*tch" he calls her every night. Another friend is dating a guy who is just a plain old dick. You know what all these guys have in common? They're hot. Hard body, make a straight guy wanna turn gay kind of hot. Sixteen pack abs, perfect hair, surfer, skater, MMA fighter type guys.

     


    But, they're dicks. Straight up, there's something wrong with them - whether it's a bad attitude, a penchant for drunkenness, a penis that won't stay in it's pants or any number of equally sad reasons - these guys are bad relationship material. So why do these women stay with them? Could it really be just because the guys are hot? Or is it co-dependency, a fear of being alone or maybe even slight retardation? Could be those things...could be millions of things, but before we get into those, let's address the two male types we'll be discussing:

    The Good Guy (aka you)



    The Bad Boy (aka anyone in shape with even half an ounce of game)



    I'm sure you've thought to yourself many times in your life, "I'm a nice guy! Why don't I get those hot women?" Well, the long and the short of it is that you're not hot, and that's why you don't get the hot women. Or, you don't have lots of money. Or you're not insanely funny or a tough guy who can defend her or hung like a horse and better in bed than anyone she knows or, in fact, any combination of the above. There are many ways to attract a beautiful, smart, sexy woman, but being the nice guy generally won't get you anywhere and here's why:

    1) Nice guys tend to have low self-esteem. Low self-esteem is a huge turn off for women. You don’t suck, but if you act like you might, she’ll definitely pick up on that. And then BAM! No vagina for you.


    2) Nice guys tend to substitute overly-used compliments and too many gifts for genuine charm and charisma. You know you’ve done it – you can’t stop saying how nice she looks or how pretty her hair is or agreeing with everything she says. You’ve bought her a necklace and she's not even your girlfriend or you’ve brought $60 roses to her on a third lunch date. As if you didn’t already give her enough roses the first two dates. Very nice, but if all you’ve got to bring to the table are compliments and gifts, then you’re in trouble, because after two years, you’ll run out of compliments. Then what smart guy? Buy her some more roses?


    3) Nice guys tend to smother the object of their affection. You're so worried you'll lose her that you don't give her the normal space that everyone needs. You call too much, you talk for too long. You think just because she hasn’t called you in two days, she’s already humping another dood. Truth is, she probably is.


    4) Nice guys tend to ignore body language and hints that a woman isn't feeling their approach. They labor under a false belief that because their intentions are completely wholesome, that anything they do or say will be golden. But no matter how nice you’re being to her, if you ignore her signs, then she’ll find things wrong with you. Like, “God, you just never stop talking, do you?”


    5) Nice guys tend to be boring. If you aren't interesting or exciting or dangerous, what's to like? A man who isn't any of these things to a woman is more like a brother or father figure, and that is the kiss of death in a relationship. She’s got plenty of nice guy friends, you need to be the spark in her life, not the dependable standby.

     

    Be confident, interesting, charismatic, a little dangerous and give her some space and you’ll be much more likely to keep her in the long run. "How the hell do I do all that?!", you ask? That's completely up to you, buddy. What, do you want me to chew your food for you too?

     

    So. We've talked about the nice guy. Now let's chop it up about the bad boy. The Marky Mark, if you will. The perennial "thorn in the side" of nice guys everywhere. The Jude Law, pre-hair loss days.

     

     

    Women are attracted to good looking men. Just like men are attracted to hot women. That's a given. What's not so understood is why those women will stay with a hot guy, once they find out he's bad news. Here are some things about bad boys that chap my hide:

     

    1) Bad boys tend to be way better looking than the rest of us. It's sad, but true - a strong jaw line, piercing eyes, just the right amount of facial hair - everything comes together for the bad boy. Women will throw themselves at the guys who look like they belong on GQ covers. But why do you think they end up being bad boys in the first place? It's because they get what they want, from early on. Because of their good looks, women give them a lot of attention and this leads them to adopt a "me first" attitude from the beginning.

     

    2) Bad boys don't have to be smart. They can be dumb as a dumb person and women will still go out with them. They can drop out of school, drink beer all day and make fun of nerds and girls will giggle and give them their cell number and Facebook password.

     

    3) Bad boys sometimes graduate from tough talking dumb-asses, to real criminals - especially the stupid ones. Many girls who think they're falling for just a run-of-the-mill bad boy end up with a real criminal type. And do you know how hard it is to break up with a guy who shoots people for fun?

     

    4) Bad boys are, by nature, much more interesting than the average guy. Just the thought of a guy being “trouble” is enough to get panties wet. Dating a bad boy is also a way for a girl to be bad without actually doing anything wrong herself – and she can get back at her parents for never letting her go to that Lil Wayne concert in junior high that one time!

     

    5) Bad boys are fodder for female conversations that can last late into the night. Girlfriends will bemoan their situation, or lament the fact that they can’t find a “good guy” and in the same breath they will give their bad boy props for being “so deliciously bad”.

     

    What gives, ladies? Why can’t you like the average guys who may not look like a cover model or pro surfer, but who open the door for you, never make you feel like crap and always consider your feelings? Well, we know why…because nice guys are boring and boring is no fun. But as long as we’re all being honest with each other, let's keep it real for a minute, ladies.

     

    If you aren’t willing to stick with the boring guy who treats you right, but you are willing to deal with all the b.s. the bad boy gives you, just so you can sleep with a “hot guy”, then you need to stop crying on our shoulders when said bad boy jacks you over, sleeps with your girlfriend or slaps you around (just because you want to actually have a job instead of staying at home and cleaning his house - sheesh, didn't he read the memo about equality?).

     

    If you do genuinely want to get away from the bad boy, here are some ways to make that happen:

     

    1) Every time he makes a corny joke that belittles someone or hurts their feelings, don’t laugh. When you laugh, he thinks he’s being funny. He doesn’t realize what an immense a-hole he is, and that’s your fault. You don’t like him being a dick? Don’t let him be.

     

    2) If he threatens some little guy who clearly couldn’t kick your bad boy's ass even if said little guy had a whole nerd posse with him, slap your bad boy's arm and call him a bully. If he keeps it up, threaten to withhold the vagina. If that doesn’t work, call the police and tell them he was beating up a five year old.

     

    3) If your bad boy stays out all hours drinking with his homies, change the locks on your door and leave his crap on the porch. No half-stepping here, ladies. Keep it real.

     

    4) Are you suspicious that your bad boy is cheating on you? Ask him if you can look through his phone – if he gets all pissy and whines about how you don’t trust him, then he’s cheating or has trust issues. If he says sure, then he’s a nice guy and he’s been fooling you all this time. What a dick, dump him!

     

    5) Do you already know your bad boy cheated on you? What the hell are you doing? Leave his ass, retard. If you stay with him, it’s your own damn fault when he does it again.

     

     

     

    So what gives, ladies? We’re now to the part where we discuss you guys. Oh, you thought this was just about the nice guys? That's a big negatory, good buddy!

     

    So, why do you stay with a man who doesn’t treat you like you want to be treated? And we’re ignoring the women who do want to be treated like dirt, so those of you who fall into this category can go back to putting on your cover up to hide the bruises and let the rest of us talk about the importance of getting out of bad relationships.

     

    1) You stay because you’re afraid of being alone. I understand that. Our society raises women to feel like they’re less than human if they can’t get a man. Women are taught from early on that men are desirable as partners and that if you can’t get one, there’s something wrong with you. That’s nonsense, but there's some heavy brainwashing going on as women grow up – from the familial values they see around them to the magazine articles about finding the perfect man, to the television shows and movies that center around dating, relationships and the male/female dynamic in general. Truth is, you can live single your whole life and you’ll be fine, if that’s what works for you. Don’t believe the hype. Or, you can find yourself a nice woman to settle down with…just make sure you move to a state that’ll let you get married and save on your taxes. ;)

     

    2) So maybe you stay because he’s scared you into believing he’ll kill you if you leave. Maybe he WOULD try to kill you if you left. What a super dick! That is some scary stuff to deal with, but that is no way to live - in constant fear, worry and despair. But here’s what many of you don’t realize – there are literally millions of people in America who will help you get out of that situation. Organizations and groups and even normal people like me. I once put my own life in danger to help move a woman I’d only known for a short while, because I found out she was in a relationship with a psychopath who threatened her and her children on the daily. My friend Tyrone and I helped her move all her belongings into a shelter. She’s much better off now, and although I’m sure it was scary for some time after she left, now she’s successful, happy and raising her kids on her own. But help is out there, just reach out.

     

    3) Is it possible you stay because someone (your parents, girlfriend, church, etc) would look down on you if you left him? Maybe your parents are hardcore traditional Filipino Catholics who believe that you should stay and work it out no matter how bad it is? I have to ask you lady, who’s life is it you’re living? Seriously? Is it their life, or yours? You're a grownup. Tell them to step off or be polite and let them know how you feel or don’t say anything to them at all – but get on with living your life. Grownups answer to themselves first and to their parents, friends, church or boss second.

     

    In conclusion:

     

    Ladies, whatever your lame or serious reasons for staying with a dickhead, remember that, at the end of the day, it’s not his fault you’re with him, it’s yours. You’re an adult, a human imbued with millions of years of evolution designed to help you make your own choices. If you choose, against all intelligent advice, to stay with a guy who treats you like dirt, then the only one you can blame is you.

     

    Nice guys, whatever your lame or serious reasons for having no game are, remember that, at the end of the day, the only one you can blame for not getting the attractive girl to hump you, is you. I can lead a camel to water, but I can’t force it to drink…and in this case, the water is this blog and the camel is you. And let’s be real, if you look like a camel, all the blogs in the world won’t help you - unless you’re Jay-Z, in which case, you’re a millionaire who is sexing up Beyonce and this blog is absolutely useless to you.

     

    PS - This blog works perfectly well for lesbians and gay doods both. Enjoy.

     

Thursday, 16 October 2008

  • God hates fags.


    At least, according to some ultra ignorant messages I've been getting from "Christians" since I posted the "No on Prop 8" blog. But here I am, to show you the truth. And why am I qualified to do that, you ask? Because I'm a Christian. I pray in my heart and the world is my church. Organized religion needs an overhaul, if you ask me...but I digress.

    Why should gays be allowed to get married, as far as Christians are concerned? That's a very potent question and here's why:

    Doesn't the bible preach tolerance? Do unto others as you would have them do unto you? I hate to ask, but when is the last time you read the bible? There are millions of Christians who use their Christianity as a foundation for their distrust and dislike of gays...but did you know that Jesus NEVER says anything about homosexuality? Not once. Did you know that not ONE of the Jewish Prophets say anything about homosexuality? And beyond that, out of the tens of thousands of verses in the bible, only six or seven even refer to homosexuality at all, and in that context, they have almost nothing to do with homosexuality as it stands today!

    Here's part of the problem. I'm a Christian. You might be a Christian too...but the difference between us is probably greater than you would think - I don't preach religion or espouse the views of the church, simply because everyone else does. I preach tolerance and understanding and using your faith as God intended - to help others, not hurt them. And if a gay man wants to marry another gay man, how in the world can that hurt me? But telling him he doesn't deserve to get married because he's gay DOES hurt. It hurts the men trying to marry, it hurts your image in the eyes of the Lord and quite frankly, it's a sin against God. I can think of three right off the bat:

    Pride - in your pride of religion, you are condemning the rights of another human being based on their sexuality.

    Avarice - you are greedy in wanting to keep the institution of marriage to yourself (straight people).

    Envy - you may be envious of the freedom gays seem to have in their lifestyles...religion can be very restrictive, can't it?

    And even if the bible did say homosexuality is wrong, then there are tons of things the bible says that are wrong that are perfectly acceptable by today's standards.

    How about Deuteronomy? "If it is discovered that a bride is not a virgin, the Bible demands that she be executed by stoning immediately." or "The Bible commands that adulterers be stoned to death." Really?! Uh oh, fifty percent of America is about to be stoned to death. And most of them are Christians.

    Some other ridiculous things the bible says:

    "If a man gets into a fight with another man and his wife seeks to rescue her husband by grabbing the enemy's genitals, her hand shall be cut off and no pity shall be shown her." She should grab his nipples, instead.

    "If a man dies childless, his widow is ordered by biblical law to have intercourse with each of his brothers in turn until she bears her deceased husband a male heir." WHat!? How come I don't have any brothers?!

    "The Bible forbids a married couple from having sexual intercourse during a woman's period. If they disobey, both shall be executed." Some of you would SO be dead if this were true.

    "The Bible says clearly that sex with a prostitute is acceptable for the husband but not for the wife. Polygamy (more than one wife) is acceptable, as is a king's having many concubines. (Solomon, believed by many Christians to be the wisest king of all, had 1,000 concubines.) Slavery and sex with slaves, marriage of girls aged 11-13, and treatment of women as property are all accepted practices in the Scriptures. On the other hand, there are strict prohibitions against interracial marriage, birth control, discussing or even naming a sexual organ, and seeing one's parents nude."

    People love to use religion as an excuse to push their prejudice - it's happened quite often throughout history and probably will continue to happen. But the bottom line is that God loves all his children, including the gays. And in his eyes, all his children are equal.

    Gay people should be allowed to marry if they want, just like the rest of us "normal" Christians.

    And if you think otherwise, I bet you're not very smart, not very good looking, don't have many good friends and haven't enjoyed sex EVER. /rant

Thursday, 02 October 2008

  • Filipinos are second only to black people - you know you got soul!

    Second only in soulfulness, that is! Filipinos, get ready for your long-overdue shout out from whitey!

    *** WARNING: Hella saucy videos up in this piece! ***

    From birth to death, Filipinos are some singin and dancin mofos. Their national pastime is Karaoke, for goodness sake! The Japanese invented it and the Filipinos snatched it out the House O Japan and hooked it up in their garages and living rooms and then spent the next twenty five years singing Stevie Wonder and Whitney Houston with Titoboy and Auntie Baby.

    Here are four prime examples of what I like to call, "Filipinus Sexius Singerus" (yes, I'm aware that that first word sounds like 'feel a penis' but that was just a lucky break, I surely didn't intend it that way). These women are beautiful, talented and famous as all hell in the 'Pines and you want to hump all four, don't lie.



    Here is Thia Megia. She was 13 in this video and she kicks your ass at singing. Her vocal maturity and control is kinda like how good I am at Counter-Strike, which is a videogame that over fifty million people play. I happen to be way better at it than almost all fifty million. Thia and me got somethin in common! We both own youz! Oh, and we're both Flip. Ok, I'm only kidding. I'm actually black.



    And hello! Here's Jessica Sanchez back when she was 10, a friend of Thia's. Where Thia has control and nuance, Jessica is a mother****** powerhouse! Her voice punches you in the face and you like it. Gusto mo palo, sucka?!



    Anyone heard of Arnel Pineda? No? How about Steve Perry and Journey? Yeah, figures, you power ballad loving losers. Anyway, Arnel is 100% Pinoy and, in an amazing story that you should read someplace else when you're taking a break from waiting for me to post new blogs once every two months, he became the new lead singer of Journey. Here he is before he got picked up...a Filipino Steve Perry...amazing-lang.



    1500+ inmates at a prison in Cebu, Philippines...gettin their Michael Jackson on! The whole freaking prison. The entire prison population doing the routine from Thriller. If that doesn't illustrate my point that Filipinos are the ass-shakingest funkmasters on the planet (behind black doods and me, of course) then I think you should go watch some Jabbawockeez videos and try to do their routines.



    Even the half Pinoys are more soulful than you! You know I can't have a blog about Flips without the Bebot video. You know this, right? Right.



    And now I'd like to thank Chad Hugo, the "other" Neptune, for helping make some of my favorite hip hop over the last few years:



    Ten thousand Pinay import models for ruining me for women of any other color:



    And Innerlude, for giving me fantastic music to play in the background while I did the horizontal mambo with girls whos parents hated me because I "wasn't Pinoy". Ha! Lets just say that a LOT of doods owe Innerlude a debt of gratitude. ;)

    You know I took the photo for this album cover, right? Yes, I'm awesome.


    So, to wrap this all up, I'd like to end with a shout out to all the mamas and papas in the Philippines who encourage their kids to sing, dance and make love. Hey Filipinos! You are under-appreciated, it's true. But let it be known that the world is a better place for all your sexiness, your vocal talent and your dancing ability.

    And now that the world knows you're the second most soulful race on the planet, you can knock off all that "I'm black, what nigga?! WHA?!" and just be your normal tinikling dancing, dj scratching, prayer bead wearing, balut eating selves. Just kidding, don't Escrima my face!! One love! I'm out! Peace! ;)

Wednesday, 03 September 2008

  • I'm celebrating EIGHT YEARS with my wife today. We rool.




    I know I talk a lot of shit about other women and boobs and flirting and what not, but when it comes right down to it, there is no one in this world I would rather spend my time with than my wife Evangeline.

    So, in tribute to my beautiful Ilocana, here are the top ten reasons why I love my lady (in no particular order):

    10. She laughs at my jokes. Ok, she laughs at me, but at least she waits to do it until right after I tell the punchline, which makes it seem like she's laughing at my joke and not clowning me for being an idiot.

    9. She cooks food that seriously makes me do whatever she wants. She can slap a plate of pork adobo down in front of me and I'll be fixing shit in the house for days to come. Give me some of her chicken pot pie or coconut shrimp, and the house gets painted, the vagina gets licked and I'll still end up giving her a massage when it's all over.

    8. She's supported me in every project, endeavor or adventure I've ever suggested to her. When other people (read: fake friends and uninformed family) were saying "don't waste your time", she was brainstorming, coming up with investment capital, crunching numbers and being the best sounding board a guy could ask for. I'm not rich yet, but I guarantee you I will be one day and it will be because my wife was there, backing me up, from day one. My wife's favorite comment to me: "Aren't you glad you married a SMART woman and not one of those stupid ass models you kick it with?" Yes, dear. I sure am. Gentlemen, the lesson of the day is, "Smart and beautiful over dumb and sexy, any day."

    7. We've traveled places I never dreamed of going on my own. She has an insatiable urge to travel the world and it rubs off on me. We've been to Canada, Mexico, Hawai'i and Italy and we're just getting started. I mean, who can say they've had sex in Venice, while it rained outside, snuggled up in a huge four poster bed with luxurious silk sheets, in a $400 a night hotel? I would never have done something like that - fuck $400 a night...but she talked me into it and it was one of the best nights of my life.

    6. Some days, when I'm just having the most shittiest of times and nothing is going right and my head is pounding, she will fix me some good food, then give me a massage and then she will let me play Counter-Strike all night long without even one complaint. Now that is true love. Normally, after half an hour of playing CS, she'll throw shoes at me, turn the tv up hella loud so I can't hear the enemy sneaking up to pwn my face or she'll "accidentally" kick my computer's power plug out of the wall.

    5. She took a job at one of the biggest videogame companies in the world. I'd love to think it was solely so I could get free videogames, but I know it's because the pay was great, the benefits are fantastic and the perks are out of this world - but that means she cares a lot about me and our son too, right? She doesn't just take the first crappy job that comes along - she researches her job options, does background work on the companies she applies to, she balances out the pros and cons and chooses the company that will benefit our family the most. That takes a whole hell of a lot of time and effort and she does it for all of us.

    4. She gets freaky in bed. 'Nuff said.

    3. Do you know, that in the entire eight years we've been together, my wife has NEVER nagged me? She's never said "why can't you do this?" or "why aren't you more like so and so?" or "why don't you get off your fat, lazy, white ass and get a fuckin real job, you no talent having son of a bitch?!". Seriously. She's never said that.

    2. My wife lets me go to the strip club. Hell, she not only lets me, but encourages me to! Why? Because she knows when I get home that night, I'm gonna give her vagina hell. But you know what I've realized? Strip clubs are a waste of money. I mean, seriously? $20 for a lap dance that's supposed to be for one whole song, but is actually for about a minute and a half, before the DJ switches to the next minute and a half song. I mean, you get four or five lap dances and you could've bought your wife a pair of Prada shoes...and I guarantee you, buy those for your wife and you'll get a lot more happy time out of that then you did out of those three and a quarter minutes of grinding on some bored ass girl who thinks you're hella old and ugly anyway.

    1. My wife loves me. That's why I love her.




Saturday, 09 August 2008



  • Bernard Jeffrey McCullough died today. You might know him as Bernie Mac. He was one of my favorite comedians in the world and he left us too early. Him and Robin Harris - both young, gruff and no-nonsense comedians that made you want to love them even though they were talkin mess - maybe even about you, lol.

    50 years old and the world is a worse place for him being gone.

    Love you man, be easy.

Tuesday, 05 August 2008

  • I hate whitey.

    Inspired by my good friend CaKaLusa's tirade against his own race, I've decided to illustrate the numerous (meaning six) reasons why I hate white people. And before you ask - I'm not white...I'm Scottish and Irish. Oh wait, that's white.

    1) White people are overly materialistic. If it's new, more expensive or on a "hot list", whitey wants it. They will line up two hundred deep, camping for weeks in advance - they will sell their children, their grandmothers or their spouses - they will deport their illegal Mexican landscaper if it means they can be one of the first to own the new iPhone in "Hot Fuschia" with their face printed on the side in Japanese sumi-e style.



     Me in ten years.


    2) White people are the devil. Evil, world-dominating, power hungry Capitalist bastards, white people will support the closing of elementary schools to develop a new shopping complex, as long as there are at least two Starbucks right across from each other. They will build slum tenements and projects and allow your first generation over-seas family to move in right next door to a crack dealer and his eleventeen year old prostitute girlfriend, as long as you pay your exorbitant rent on time. White people will buy, sell or trade anything, as long as the deal ends up with them getting a 200% profit and you getting the short end of a stick named "Bruiser" in an orifice you wouldn't show your mama.


     I swear I'm not related to this dood.


    3) White people couldn't shake their ass if black people shook it for them. A recent survey showed that 97% of people who were not white thought that the worst dancers in the world were white people. I realize that this is a completely made-up fact, but since it illustrates so well how poorly white people can dance, I'll keep it. Actually, I think prior to 1980, white people actually could dance, but Eddie Murphy got on stage one night and made some really funny jokes about how white people can't dance, and that was that. For decades since, white people have been flailing around, hobbling off beat, shuffling in place and doing various other completely unimpressive dance moves to any kind of music they could find. And for those of you who say "What about all the great whiteys on American's Best Dance Crew?" I forward this theory - those white people were actually Filipinos with white face on. Tape the shows, rewind them very slowly then go forward frame by frame. Flips in white face. Shocking, I know.

     

    4) Next to the word "racist" in the dictionary is a picture of a white person. That's because white people are racist. It's in their genes, their blood, their genotype was pre-destined to contain genetic material that forces them to hate people who aren't exactly the same as themselves. White people will cross the street to avoid walking past people of color. If they see a big group of old Asian ladies walking down the sidewalk, they will clutch their bags to their chests, rush to the other side of the street and heave a sigh of relief when they know the old Asian ladies are too far away to jack them. And white people hate anything that's black. Black coffee is bad for you, green tea is good. Bad guys wear black, good guys wear white. Oreos are black, but the awesome creme in the middle is white. Black tires are ok, but they're not really classics unless they have white walls. Everyone loves red licorice and the black licorice tastes like ass.


     They call you darkie behind your back. It's true.


    5) The white man talks too much. They can't just make their observations and then shut the hell up - no, they have to discuss, review, debate...they will argue a point to death, they will talk until they're blue in the face and then they will yap some more. And they are so emotionally invested in casual meetings. They give you hugs, ask you how you're doing, squeeze your shoulder in friendly companionship, they will give you the "whitey high five", they will toss you a thumbs up...and that's just how they treat homeless people! Its like every white person is a certified, qualified, degreed Psycho-analyst or Psychologist or Psychiatrist and they're more than happy to give you a session. If a white person corners you and tries to ask how you're feeling, I suggest you punch them in their throat and run away as fast and as far as you can.


     I wouldn't hit that, but I know ibizajb would!


    6) Everyone knows white people can't jump. When compared to white athletes, black athletes are clearly more skilled, talented and filled with natural ability. White people are only good at croquet, badminton, chess and duck-duck-goose.


     Does Big from Big & Rob count as an athlete?


    In closing, white people suck. But don't worry - no white people were harmed in the writing of this blog. Well, maybe a couple.

  • I think culture is sexy and additionally, I love boobies. I'm sexy as hell, in a fat white dood kind of way. I'm married to the hotness, her royal Evangeline. I've been a bouncer, a phone sex operator, a graphic designer and a rapper and I was hella good at all of 'em. Now I'm a photographer who makes pictures with sexy people. Tingin ko kultura ay sexy at karagdagan, I love boobies. Ako sexy bilang impiyerno, sa isang taba white dood uri ng paraan. Ako ay kasal sa init, ang kanyang hari o reyna Evangeline. I've been a bouncer, isang phone sex operator, ng isang graphic at disenyo ng isang rapper at ako ay hella magandang sa lahat ng mga 'em. Ngayon ako ng isang photographer na gumagawa ng mga larawan gamit ang sexy ng mga tao.
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